life and other things

The Great Beyond

My husband and I recently started trying to conceive again. As you may remember, I suffered a miscarriage last winter at 3 months. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to try again so soon, even though I was told that the first six months are the most fertile. The experience zapped my confidence. It robbed me of a baby that will never be but also left me feeling empty and questioning why we decided to have another baby.

I have heard everyone and their brother ask me the same question: “Why would you want another baby? Your kids are at the perfect age to do anything with them. You have a boy and a girl. Why do you need another?”

Honestly, I don’t know. We started young. After the ordeal I went through with my daughter, I was pretty sure I was done. However, I started realizing the last few years that I didn’t think our family was done expanding. I love being a mother. I love kids way more than I like adults. Having another baby just seemed right.

So here we are, back at the beginning again, trying for a baby, and I am scared to death. I am afraid of getting pregnant. I am afraid of not getting pregnant. I am afraid of losing another baby. I don’t think I could handle that again. My children are going to be 7 and 10 soon and are at a pretty easy age, and I worry what if I really can’t handle all three. I had to do single parenting for a bit when my son was a baby, and I wonder sometimes if I can do it again when my husband is gone at work. I am afraid that I might have to rely on my friends for support, even if it is purely emotional. However, I have trust issues, and even though I know I have a wonderful group of friends who have shown me so much love the past few months, I worry even though I know I shouldn’t.

I was so excited about my last pregnancy, and now I worry that if I get pregnant now that I might not be as enthusiastic. What if I spend nine months on edge? Will the baby still know how much I want it?

The miscarriage really shattered my perceptions of things for a while. I really never gave it a thought that I would get pregnant and not deliver a healthy baby. I don’t want to be preoccupied. We have been trying so long. I want to be able to get pregnant and enjoy being pregnant, something I was denied with my baby I lost and my now almost seven year-old.

It is scary to think that there are so many uncertainties in life. It is like going into the great beyond. You might not know what is out there, but you are willing to explore. I am readying myself to step into the great beyond again where I don’t know how it is all going to end or if I will be happy or if I will be hurt. Deep down underneath my fears, I hope for the best. I hope not to be hurt. I hope to conceive. I hope to have a sweet baby for our family to love. I hope to be a good mom, and I must continue to hope and let the hope outweigh the fear.

 

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