Miscarriage

Broken

I had plans originally for a different topic for Mommy Monday. However, a lot has happened here in the past few days that I thought I would share with you all, if nothing else, just to try to make sense of my life right now.

Today, I had planned to tell the whole world what was to be my family’s happy news. I had an ultrasound scheduled for today, and I had visions of seeing this little tiny being in the pictures. I had actually told a lot of my family while I was in Ohio since it seemed like everything was going great. I was somewhere around two months pregnant. I was waking every morning to the feeling that I was going to hurl. I have been tired and forgetful (ok, so I am forgetful a lot) for weeks. Those are all supposed to be good signs of a healthy pregnancy. Only they weren’t.

We are not really sure what happened. I was treated as if it was an ectopic pregnancy. However, there was nothing there when they did the laproscopic surgery. I am lucky I suppose that my ovaries and tubes are still in tact. I want answers though. My midwife mentioned today that it could have been a blighted ovum. I had to have bloodwork. They will let me know if my hormone levels are decreasing. They think that perhaps my levels are not. I passed something on Thursday. We just don’t know what it was. Needless to say, I am once again left with empty hopes and dreams. Only this time, I don’t know if there was ever a real baby inside me. The idea that maybe it didn’t develop into an actual baby is supposed to be comforting, but it isn’t. I just feel confused.

Everything seems surreal right now. I keep thinking I am having some odd dream, and when I wake, everything will be ok, except that hasn’t happened. I am now empty again and now filled with questions. I want some sort of closure. I want the pain to go away. Honestly, I just want a break.

This past year has been full of too many changes and now two missed chances of me being a mommy again.  I feel lost. I feel cheated. I feel broken. I feel very confused. I know life is not fair, and that there is much suffering in the world. I don’t want to have a pity party, but in some ways, I feel like I have been through enough in my life and that I deserve a break. I don’t want much. I don’t have aspirations to be rich or famous. I just want to raise my kids, have one or two more babies, continue falling in love daily with my husband to the point that it makes others ill, and come up with some awesome parties. That’s it. It took a long time to get to that point too. Eleven years ago, I had much bigger plans. I was going to graduate college, get my master’s degree, and then get my doctorate. I was going to live in foreign countries and teach English. I was going to have this amazing career. Then in the blink of an eye, the dream was gone. Tomorrow marks eleven years that my life changed forever when I got hit by a car that made an illegal left turn and wasn’t paying attention. All those dreams were gone. I have struggled over the years to come up with new dreams and aspirations and to not be so angry and bitter. These last few months, I have made a lot of changes, and honestly, I have felt like I turned a corner and made peace with all the hurt and bitterness from everything over the last eleven years. Honestly, I felt that this baby was my new beginning. Only it isn’t, and not only is it not a new beginning, but it may have never actually been a baby.

So right now I am grieving. Whether or not, the baby was a baby or just a bunch of cells, I am mourning the loss of what it represented, of the dreams I had, of the future that will not be. I don’t know if we will try again. I don’t know anything right now. I just know I needed to say all of this, to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening.

5 replies »

  1. My heart is just breaking for you. Although I do not know you personally, I do know you through your emails and it feels like I “know” you.

    I get your pain. I get how troubled and confused and upset and sad you are right now. I have learned recently that the most important part of healing properly is to acknowledge your pain and trouble and confusion and upset and sadness. Acknowledge. Don’t just push through. What you have experienced is beyond comprehension on many levels.

    I am deeply sorry and filled with sorrow for your loss. I am praying for you and sending loving energy your way.

    Love, Becki Schade

  2. So sorry for your loss. It is ok to mourn the loss of your dream. It doesn’t matter if it was an actual baby, what matters is that you thought it was – so mourn in your own way, in your own time. Know that you have friends who will listen when you need to talk, understand when you don’t want to talk, and pray for things to get better for you.

  3. I’m so sorry. Like others said, what matters is what mattered to you. We all grieve differently and so much of life is lived in symbols and representations — including the things we lose. This post is so raw and I can fee your pain. I hope that sharing it brings some level of comfort along with support.

  4. Lesa. There are no words to express the pain that you are feeling. I hope they pray and figure what is going on with you. I can somewhat understand what you were going to as I’ve had it happen to me.I will pray that God gives you a chance to be a mommy again just a wonderful thing. Lots of Love

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