My Dearest Luk,

I thought today would be different. A year after you have gone to heaven, I thought perhaps I would be pregnant or have a baby now. Right now, I will admit that the hope for that is low. However, I wanted you to know that we miss you. We think about you often, what you would be doing now, had God not called you home. We had hopes for you, and while our time with you was only in my womb, you are still in hearts.

Lukasz

We lit a candle for you and said a prayer. Our lives have changed so much this past year, and we talked about the hurt and trials we have been through this year. We also made a decision tonight to do something in memory of you. We have decided to live and love with our whole hearts. It will not be easy, but I feel if we are ever going to be happy that we must fill our lives with love…love for ourselves, love for others, love to fill the void, love to light the way. We will love each other, and we will always love you.

And we will continue to share so that others may know that it is okay to grieve. It is okay to share feelings. And we will remember you and always love you.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, and Bubby

 

To my readers, if you have experienced loss, please feel free to share your feelings or your own letter to your loved one in the comments below.

 

 

Broken

I had plans originally for a different topic for Mommy Monday. However, a lot has happened here in the past few days that I thought I would share with you all, if nothing else, just to try to make sense of my life right now.

Today, I had planned to tell the whole world what was to be my family’s happy news. I had an ultrasound scheduled for today, and I had visions of seeing this little tiny being in the pictures. I had actually told a lot of my family while I was in Ohio since it seemed like everything was going great. I was somewhere around two months pregnant. I was waking every morning to the feeling that I was going to hurl. I have been tired and forgetful (ok, so I am forgetful a lot) for weeks. Those are all supposed to be good signs of a healthy pregnancy. Only they weren’t.

We are not really sure what happened. I was treated as if it was an ectopic pregnancy. However, there was nothing there when they did the laproscopic surgery. I am lucky I suppose that my ovaries and tubes are still in tact. I want answers though. My midwife mentioned today that it could have been a blighted ovum. I had to have bloodwork. They will let me know if my hormone levels are decreasing. They think that perhaps my levels are not. I passed something on Thursday. We just don’t know what it was. Needless to say, I am once again left with empty hopes and dreams. Only this time, I don’t know if there was ever a real baby inside me. The idea that maybe it didn’t develop into an actual baby is supposed to be comforting, but it isn’t. I just feel confused.

Everything seems surreal right now. I keep thinking I am having some odd dream, and when I wake, everything will be ok, except that hasn’t happened. I am now empty again and now filled with questions. I want some sort of closure. I want the pain to go away. Honestly, I just want a break.

This past year has been full of too many changes and now two missed chances of me being a mommy again.  I feel lost. I feel cheated. I feel broken. I feel very confused. I know life is not fair, and that there is much suffering in the world. I don’t want to have a pity party, but in some ways, I feel like I have been through enough in my life and that I deserve a break. I don’t want much. I don’t have aspirations to be rich or famous. I just want to raise my kids, have one or two more babies, continue falling in love daily with my husband to the point that it makes others ill, and come up with some awesome parties. That’s it. It took a long time to get to that point too. Eleven years ago, I had much bigger plans. I was going to graduate college, get my master’s degree, and then get my doctorate. I was going to live in foreign countries and teach English. I was going to have this amazing career. Then in the blink of an eye, the dream was gone. Tomorrow marks eleven years that my life changed forever when I got hit by a car that made an illegal left turn and wasn’t paying attention. All those dreams were gone. I have struggled over the years to come up with new dreams and aspirations and to not be so angry and bitter. These last few months, I have made a lot of changes, and honestly, I have felt like I turned a corner and made peace with all the hurt and bitterness from everything over the last eleven years. Honestly, I felt that this baby was my new beginning. Only it isn’t, and not only is it not a new beginning, but it may have never actually been a baby.

So right now I am grieving. Whether or not, the baby was a baby or just a bunch of cells, I am mourning the loss of what it represented, of the dreams I had, of the future that will not be. I don’t know if we will try again. I don’t know anything right now. I just know I needed to say all of this, to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening.

To Feel Like Myself

My son and I made a pinky swear pact tonight (so you know it is serious). We decided no more McDonalds. We are not fast food people normally. Once in a blue moon I will have a craving for McDonalds. Our family has actually been eating pretty healthy for a while now. I cut out diet soda, then most of my regular soda, most processed foods, and junk food. Lately, I just haven’t cared. I haven’t cared if I ate or what I ate. I lost 10 lbs this week with everything going on. However, tonight was the night we decided to quit.

My son can’t sleep. I can’t sleep either. My daughter says she is fine, but she still ends up in my bed. It is so easy to just not care what I am putting in my mouth. At first my kids were going along with it, but my son is right. It isn’t good for us. Maybe going back to eating good food will help us sleep at night. I doubt it, but at this point, I would really like some sleep.

I still don’t know how to make this better. I just try to keep us all busy. I am preparing for someone’s party this weekend. I am letting someone else do most of the hosting Saturday, but I am still in the background making sure everything comes together. I stupidly volunteered to host the playgroup’s Christmas party at my house next week because I didn’t want to see it cancelled. Plus, my kids have been wanting to have all their friends over at the house anyways. It keeps me occupied so I can’t think. I don’t like to think. I would rather be busy or making snarky remarks about something or thinking about Star Wars or playing Kingdoms of Camelot or coming up with an awesome party. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like feeling vulnerable, and I don’t want to cry. Just when I think I have no more tears, they just keep coming.

I hope that I get some sleep soon. I would settle for just hoping my son gets to sleep soon. I can’t wait until my husband gets home.

How do you deal with your children’s emotional pain?

What do I do now?

Today a package arrived with the mail. With it being close to Christmas, my kids were all excited it was for them. It wasn’t. It was the maternity clothes I ordered a while back. It was if they came today to taunt me. I was doing so well this morning.

My son eagerly grabbed the package. He wanted to see what was in the package. I asked him to stop. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want the reminder. I actually tried to cancel the order, but the company never replied to my messages. Now I have this package to remind me what was not going to be.

I lost my baby last week. I was at the end of my first trimester. I was so happy. Now I am so empty. I never thought something could ever hurt as bad.

I am trying to cope. I try not to cry too much in front of my kids. I know they are hurting too, my son especially. He was so happy when he found out that I was pregnant that he cried happy tears for over a half an hour. My daughter is just beginning to understand that Mommy isn’t going to have a baby now. My husband is stuck in Canada. He won’t be home until the weekend. I just want to crawl into my bed right now and not come out until after the holidays. I just don’t understand why.

Yes, I have been working to get things ready at my shop, but I slowed down. I have been eating well, taking my vitamins, taking care of myself. I was talking the other day how I planned on cutting my hours at the shop because I wanted to concentrate on the kids and the new life that was in me. This was going to be the pregnancy that I would be able to remember. Yeah, I will remember it all right, because it is the one where I lost the baby right before Christmas.

And I am angry. I am sad. I hurt so bad that I wonder if there will ever be a day that I don’t feel the emptiness inside. I just don’t understand why.

The one thing I will say is that I don’t think I ever realized how much I am loved, how much my friends and family cared about me until this all happened. The outpour of love and support has been amazing. My friends have taken my kids to give me space. They have come to comfort me. They have even come to bring me comfort food. I am so thankful for the support I have.

So what do I do now? I don’t know. I will continue day by day. I am having some of my friends take over duties at the shop as well as the blog and my other social media. I will try to heal. I don’t know if we are going to try again. Part of me wants to try. Part of me is afraid of going through this again. I miss my sweet angel that I will never get to hold. I wish I could change this. I wish I could go back in time and make this never happen. I can’t. I may never understand why this happen.

My goal right now is to try to get through the holiday season and try to make sure the kids have a good Christmas. Christmas time has never been my favorite time of year, but I was actually excited this year. I was imagining that this time next year I was going to have a little one on the cusp of crawling.

To those of you who have experienced loss. I am sorry for your pain. How did you cope? Feel free to discuss in the comments.