To Feel Like Myself

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My son and I made a pinky swear pact tonight (so you know it is serious). We decided no more McDonalds. We are not fast food people normally. Once in a blue moon I will have a craving for McDonalds. Our family has actually been eating pretty healthy for a while now. I cut out diet soda, then most of my regular soda, most processed foods, and junk food. Lately, I just haven’t cared. I haven’t cared if I ate or what I ate. I lost 10 lbs this week with everything going on. However, tonight was the night we decided to quit.

My son can’t sleep. I can’t sleep either. My daughter says she is fine, but she still ends up in my bed. It is so easy to just not care what I am putting in my mouth. At first my kids were going along with it, but my son is right. It isn’t good for us. Maybe going back to eating good food will help us sleep at night. I doubt it, but at this point, I would really like some sleep.

I still don’t know how to make this better. I just try to keep us all busy. I am preparing for someone’s party this weekend. I am letting someone else do most of the hosting Saturday, but I am still in the background making sure everything comes together. I stupidly volunteered to host the playgroup’s Christmas party at my house next week because I didn’t want to see it cancelled. Plus, my kids have been wanting to have all their friends over at the house anyways. It keeps me occupied so I can’t think. I don’t like to think. I would rather be busy or making snarky remarks about something or thinking about Star Wars or playing Kingdoms of Camelot or coming up with an awesome party. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like feeling vulnerable, and I don’t want to cry. Just when I think I have no more tears, they just keep coming.

I hope that I get some sleep soon. I would settle for just hoping my son gets to sleep soon. I can’t wait until my husband gets home.

How do you deal with your children’s emotional pain?

What do I do now?

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Today a package arrived with the mail. With it being close to Christmas, my kids were all excited it was for them. It wasn’t. It was the maternity clothes I ordered a while back. It was if they came today to taunt me. I was doing so well this morning.

My son eagerly grabbed the package. He wanted to see what was in the package. I asked him to stop. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want the reminder. I actually tried to cancel the order, but the company never replied to my messages. Now I have this package to remind me what was not going to be.

I lost my baby last week. I was at the end of my first trimester. I was so happy. Now I am so empty. I never thought something could ever hurt as bad.

I am trying to cope. I try not to cry too much in front of my kids. I know they are hurting too, my son especially. He was so happy when he found out that I was pregnant that he cried happy tears for over a half an hour. My daughter is just beginning to understand that Mommy isn’t going to have a baby now. My husband is stuck in Canada. He won’t be home until the weekend. I just want to crawl into my bed right now and not come out until after the holidays. I just don’t understand why.

Yes, I have been working to get things ready at my shop, but I slowed down. I have been eating well, taking my vitamins, taking care of myself. I was talking the other day how I planned on cutting my hours at the shop because I wanted to concentrate on the kids and the new life that was in me. This was going to be the pregnancy that I would be able to remember. Yeah, I will remember it all right, because it is the one where I lost the baby right before Christmas.

And I am angry. I am sad. I hurt so bad that I wonder if there will ever be a day that I don’t feel the emptiness inside. I just don’t understand why.

The one thing I will say is that I don’t think I ever realized how much I am loved, how much my friends and family cared about me until this all happened. The outpour of love and support has been amazing. My friends have taken my kids to give me space. They have come to comfort me. They have even come to bring me comfort food. I am so thankful for the support I have.

So what do I do now? I don’t know. I will continue day by day. I am having some of my friends take over duties at the shop as well as the blog and my other social media. I will try to heal. I don’t know if we are going to try again. Part of me wants to try. Part of me is afraid of going through this again. I miss my sweet angel that I will never get to hold. I wish I could change this. I wish I could go back in time and make this never happen. I can’t. I may never understand why this happen.

My goal right now is to try to get through the holiday season and try to make sure the kids have a good Christmas. Christmas time has never been my favorite time of year, but I was actually excited this year. I was imagining that this time next year I was going to have a little one on the cusp of crawling.

To those of you who have experienced loss. I am sorry for your pain. How did you cope? Feel free to discuss in the comments.