New Year, New Beginnings

If you are one of those people who was relieved that 2012 was over, let me just say that I am right there with you. I am still trying to put myself back together from everything that happened last year. If you have been following my blog for a while, you probably noticed that my posts were often sporadic and sometimes all over the place. I guess they were a good reflection of my life over the past year. I started the year out by deciding to have a website overhaul. Then I moved my business. Then I took the steps to take my business in a completely different direction. I took on way too many projects. I became an exhausted mess, and then I ended the year by having a miscarriage and turning into an emotional wreck.

Right now, I am hormonal, confused about where I should go next in regards to having another baby and even where I want to go with my business. As much as I love volunteer work, I am dropping almost all of it and focusing on things for my kids and for me. I have decided that this year I am going to find a hobby. I have spent so much time focusing on the kids and my business that I really don’t have time for myself. I have decided that I need a fresh start. I need to get myself in order. I need to get organized. I need to stop acting like an old lady and start acting my age! I am going to be 34 for crying out loud, and most of the time I feel like I am past my prime.

Most of all, I just want to wake up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror and say,”Hey Girl, you are awesome!” And I want to mean it. I want to love myself quirks and all, fat and all, just as I am.

What do you plan to do this year? How do you want to see yourself this year going forward? I would love to hear from you!

Setting goals

As of right now, I cannot do too much in the way of exercising or anything seeing as how I am sick still, and believe me, I am so over being sick right now. I have watched way too much on the television and have slept a lot. By all accounts, I would think I should be better by now. Alas, I am not, so when I was thinking about my Fit and Fabulicious post for this weekend, I thought it would be a good time to re-evaluate my goals. One of those goals is self-image. It is a constant struggle for me.

To be brutally honest, I have always been hard on myself. Even when I was younger and at my thinnest, I was so critical of myself. The other week, my husband found a bunch of pictures from when I was in college, and as I looked at them, I just wished I could look like that again. The whole time I looked like that, I always thought it would be great if I could be a little thinner, a little smaller in the bust, a little less in the trunk, a little taller, a little tanner…always a little something. Ten years later, I would give anything to be that girl in those pictures. She was a hottie and didn’t even know it. There is one thing that she had though that I feel that I have lost. She had more confidence in her fashion choices and didn’t care what people thought of them.

I love fashion. I always have. I have done a lot of experimenting, and I even contemplated going to school to become a fashion designer. I was daring in what I wore at times and not afraid of what other people thought of it, like the time I wore a catsuit to class and around campus just because I felt like it or the time I found some weird dress at the thrift store and wore it with pride. My friends hated that dress, but I thought it was awesome.

People say I look great now and have a great fashion sense, but I feel like I am holding back. I am constantly afraid that I will look fat. Oh my gosh, what will people say? That is a constant that runs through my head. Once again I am left with the fact that it doesn’t matter how much weight I lose, I need to work on this self-image problem I have and kick it in the butt once and for all.

Not only do I have this obligation to myself, I have this obligation to my daughter, my nieces,  and my girls (my exchange students). I don’t want them to look in the mirror and say they are fat, ugly or would look great if they just lost a few pounds or changed something about their appearance. If I don’t take care of this, I will always be chasing an impossible dream because I will never be good enough for me.

So my main goals for now are to feel better. Then I want to start exercising again because I miss it, and I like it. I want to wear clothes I like and not worry about how others might perceive me. I want to look in the mirror and see myself as the hottie I am instead of the flaws I want to change. I do want to drop a few pant sizes. However, I want to be comfortable with my body no matter what size I am. My daughter sees beauty in all shapes and sizes, and I want to reinforce her views, not destroy them with my insecurities.

I feel that if I can accomplish this, I can do anything. However, I know it is not an easy task. I think that women are very hard on themselves and very critical of other women. I feel we need to change, even if it is just one person at a time. What are your goals? What obstacles do you struggle with?