Tonight I hit the wall, that invisible wall that says, “Hey, stop here. You are doing too much. You can’t go any further.” Yup, that would be the wall I hit.
My husband left over a week ago for Canada, and I have been going at full tilt pretty much ever since. I had to keep the kids busy, catch up on work, process orders, do schoolwork with the kids, take care or finances, give extra cuddles, attempt to go to the bathroom alone, realize after attempting that there were little hands under the door that reminded me that I could not even pee in peace, give more extra cuddles, try to figure out what else was making my six year old just a little off, realizing what was wrong with my six year old (I will explain that in a moment), and want to cry. So tonight, I just gave up. I forgot to take my son to cub scouts. I fed my children pizza bites. Then I tried to hide out on the sofa and put myself into a sugar coma which did not help at all by the way and only brought me to the point of letting the kids watch extra television tonight because I was just too tired. And if you think that this last paragraph seems a bit rambly and muddled, then you have a keen sense of what is going on in my head right now.
I just want a break. I love my kids dearly, but sometimes, especially when my husband is gone, I just want an hour where I can just breathe, read, or do something on my own. Tonight was one of those times. The kids have been so clingy, and finally I snapped at them. I felt bad afterwards. I felt even worse when I thought about how we were going to have a baby, and the I start questioning the idea of trying again, wondering if I would really be able to handle three kids.
It has been an emotional week. My daughter has missed her daddy a little more than usual. Of course, he was home for three weeks, so naturally it would be hard on her. Then she was talking to her cousin on the phone the other day, and her cousin told her about the new baby cousin she will have this summer. I hadn’t told her. Honestly, I am still trying to come to terms with it. I am happy for my brother and his wife deep down, but in a way, it does bother me a bit. This will be my brother’s sixth child. I was just trying to have a third. The baby will be born soon after mine was supposed to be born, so when my daughter told me that it wasn’t fair, I couldn’t help but agree with her in my head.
I don’t talk about the loss of the baby much, but it is still on my mind. My husband and I have been talking of trying again, but I am afraid. I am afraid of it happening again. I am afraid of my husband being gone. I am afraid of feeling empty and alone.
My husband was supposed to be gone six to eight weeks. I found out tonight he is coming home this weekend for a week. I couldn’t be happier. I need to take a breather. I love my kids, but I need a time out now and then.
For all of you who have a full plate and are running the house on your own, what do you do to stay sane?