The other day, I went for the level two ultrasound and genetic counseling appointment. After getting to see Sweet Pea on the screen and listening to the genetic counselor tell me and my husband that while everything looks good, there is always a chance that there is something that they cannot see. We were also told that we had been misinformed by the doctor who said the baby had a 1 in 30 chance for Down’s when it was actually 1 in 130. Big difference there. We were offered the choice of having an amniocentesis or doing the Panorama (or Harmony) blood test again. For those of you unfamiliar with the Panorama test, it is a blood test that not only tells you the gender of the baby, but it can also detect whether the baby has such things as Down’s Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 13. I had it done previously, and it came back inconclusive. I decided not to do it again at the time because I had only really done it to find out the gender of the baby. After much discussion, my husband and I have decided we are not doing the Panorama again, nor are we doing the amniocentesis. A few people have mentioned to me that I might want to do the blood test once more just for peace of mind, but really, I am done. Here is why.
I am now over the halfway point in my pregnancy. I have a very visible bump, and yet I have a hard time getting excited for what lies ahead. It is not because I am not happy about the baby because I am. However, I feel that my mind is still trying to protect me from heartache. I feel like I have to protect my sanity just in case something goes wrong. These tests and this whole experience has been messing with my mind. I have lost sleep over this wondering if everything was ok with Sweet Pea and what would happen when we would go for the ultrasound.
Deep down, I know that whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Things look good. Sweet Pea is a fairly active little munchkin. I should find hope in that. I want to enjoy being pregnant. I want to look forward to finishing my baby registry, buying my maternity clothes, building our nursery, not worrying all the time. I want to look forward to the things a normal pregnant woman does without the constant fears that I have. In order to let go of these fears and worries, I just feel it is time to accept everything as it is.
Sweet Pea deserves to have a mama that is not stressed out, and I want to be that mama. I want to work on bonding with my baby now and losing the fear I have. I can’t do that by going forward with more tests.
And with that, I am hoping to move forward.
If any of you have been through this, I would love to hear from you. Feel free to comment on my facebook page discussion or in the comments below!