Last week my family and I took a vacation to the Poconos to celebrate my birthday a bit early. My birthday is two weeks and one day after Christmas. This, of course, means two things: it often gets lumped in with Christmas and most attempts to actually celebrate fail due to weather. So this year, my husband decided that we were going to go somewhere. As it would happen, we got snowed in for most of it, but it was okay because it gave me some time to reflect on some things and spend some quality time with the baby.
I spent a lot of time just sitting and holding my baby girl and kissing those squishy, chubby cheeks. I am still in awe that I have her. I think we all are. It seems so surreal sometimes that we have these two big kids, and now there is this tiny person in our lives. What a difference a year makes!
Last year around this time, I made a decision that I was done trying for a baby. I just couldn’t take the heartache anymore, and I didn’t want to put the kids through the emotional roller coaster anymore. I just wanted to enjoy what I had. When my husband and I originally decided to expand our family, it was a very thought out process. With his job, I knew it pretty much meant that I was going to be home with the kids, meaning that I was going to cut back on the whole party planning schtick and probably take a step back from what I do online as well. When I decided to have another baby, I told my husband that what I wanted was just to be surrounded by kids. I wanted to enjoy my kids, little and big. When the big ones were grown, I would still have the little ones, and when the little ones would be grown, I would probably have grandchildren by then and could spend my time enjoying them. Somewhere along the way, that dream kinda got muddled with all the heartache and hurt. I wasn’t enjoying the kids I had, and my heart hurt so much that I lost sight of that.
So I decided that I was done and then found out I was pregnant. What’s funny is that one of my close friends did the same. Tonight I sat with the babies and the big kids and marveled at how very different our lives are in just one year and how I have guarded my heart so much that I have taken it for granted the miracles of life that have happened this year. I get the opportunity to be a mommy to three incredible kids and then get to be an adopted aunt to more incredible kids.
I am not one who really likes the holidays, but this Christmas I am so thankful for the gifts that I have been given. Life is not perfect, and the past few chapters of it have not turned out the way I wished. However, tonight when I looked at the little cherubs surrounding me, I am reminded that my cup most certainly runneth over.