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Today was the day when reality finally set in…

I like to play this game sometimes called, “Even though the doctors are diagnosing and telling me things, maybe everyone who kept telling me over the years that I was just making stuff up was right, and nothing is really wrong with me.” It is a stupid game to be honest, and I think the only reason I do it is because I struggle to wrap my head around all that is going on right now.

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You may have noticed that I am not writing much right now. It is summer, and I know some people take the summer off from blogging. However, I am not one of those people. If we all want to be honest here, my writing has been somewhat sporadic for two years, ever since I landed in the hospital from having symptoms of a stroke. I was told it was not a stroke. I followed up with the world’s worst neurologist. Then before I could get a second opinion, my husband lost his job, and well I only ended up being able to start getting the ball rolling again this spring to find out just what is wrong with me.

I have a brain injury. I have probably mentioned this a few times over the years. I was hit by a car. Even though it was not my fault, I basically got screwed over majorly. I worked really hard trying to keep myself literate and even taught myself how to build a website, build a business, blog, and do social media. I worked really hard, and it all fell apart again when I ended up in the hospital two years ago.

I have been having some issues lately, and I seem to have some good doctors figuring things out now. However, it is hard on the kids. My almost three year old has become super clingy, and when I see her playing with her dolls, it is often the scenario that Barbie has to keep going to the doctor.

Today, she and I started having a conversation about how Mommy is sick. I told her I am not sick, but that my brain has a boo boo. Later, she hurt herself, and I looked her over and then gave her boo boo a kiss. I told her that it helps make things better. Soon after, my child took her hands and placed them on my face. She told me that she needed to kiss my head to make me feel better. I tried hard not to cry. It hurt so freaking bad. Why should my almost three-year old be worried about her mommy? Mommy is supposed to take care of her!

As the day progressed, suffice it to say that I ended up having an experience that made everything I know about what is going on with me right now seem very real and kinda scary. I do not feel like going into details just yet because I don’t want to share everything I have been told just yet. Part of me is hoping that my neurologist will have some light to shed on things, and I am seeing her next month. All I really want is for someone to fix me.

However, tonight, I am sitting here kinda scared and angry too. Fifteen years ago, I was hit by a distracted driver. With social media and texting, distracted driving seems to almost be a norm nowadays, and lately when I see it, I just want to scream. I think part of me is still angry at the woman who hit me because she gets to live her life, and here I am constantly giving up my dreams and also trying to downplay things because I don’t want my kids, my family, and my friends to worry about me. I am scared. I am scared because I want things to be organized. I want to be able to plan and do. Right now, I feel like I am staring into a big, dark void. I want to try to stay positive, and lately I am really struggling with that.

With all of this in mind, I have decided that I need to take these feelings and let them out, so here we are because I know that somewhere out there someone else probably feels the same way, so if nothing else, here I am saying you are not alone. And if nothing else, writing always makes me feel a bit better. I have not been writing much though. It has been so hard to sit and try to make the words come alive because I want to say things, but I don’t want your pity. I just want to get it out and tell my story.

So right now, this is my story. Life kinda sucks right now, and I am a bit angry. I have no words of wisdom, but I feel better now that I actually have said what is on my mind. What is on your mind right now? Feel free to share in the comments below or join the discussion on Facebook!

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It’s the little things…

This week I celebrated a birthday. We are supposed to celebrate it later this week as my husband was just getting done with his hitch on this day. To tell you the truth, I was a little bummed. My birthday is two weeks and one day after Christmas and often gets overlooked and sometimes forgotten because of the holiday season. I say that I am okay with it because I am used to it, but honestly, it would be nice to be treated like a princess on my special day. That is why I felt my heart swell when I came home from running errands and taking Sissy to dance to see my son made this for me for my special day!

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My son has never really made a cake, and yet it did not stop him from making me a devil’s food chocolate cake with cream cheese icing. My son is a superstar and really made me feel like it really was my day. Also, for his first try, it was very yummy!

It does not take grand gestures to let someone know they are important or loved. It is the little things, like baking a cake, that make all the difference.

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That time someone paid for our meal and made me feel like I wasn’t failing as a parent

I admit that I am hard on myself, and I am somewhat of a perfectionist. I am working on it, I swear. Since having a baby, I have worried about managing three kids on my own, homeschooling, and making sure that everything goes well when we are out in public. So I admit that when I offered to take our exchange student to a Vietnamese restaurant for her birthday, I was actually kinda terrified to take a teenager, two tweens, and a baby to a nice restaurant. Ok, so I was more than kinda terrified. I really had hoped that my husband would miraculously be able to be home that weekend so that I could take her on my own.

Photographer: Republica (Pixabay)

Photographer: Republica (Pixabay)

Up to that point, I had taken the kids out for short outings and to a few restaurants with my husband. That day, we were out all afternoon, and I wasn’t sure how it would go taking the baby to a restaurant, and a nice one at that. I spent the whole dinner frazzled and worried that the baby was going to cry or that the kids would argue. I was so afraid that something would go wrong and call attention to our table. My kids are usually good when we go out to eat, but adding the element of a baby in a nice restaurant without my husband to back me up really scared me.

At the end of the dinner, we got our check, and the server told us that we didn’t owe anything. While I was sitting worrying about everything, someone else in the restaurant saw what I wasn’t seeing. That person saw a family enjoying a nice dinner. That person decided to pay for our meal because he/she thought that we were delightful. I almost cried. Okay, I cried when I got in the car. It made me feel like I was doing a good job as a parent because we managed to go to a nice restaurant and made a good impression on people. It made me feel like maybe I wasn’t failing after all. My kids were polite and well-mannered, and I wasn’t paying attention. I was too worried. It gave me confidence.

Since that time at the restaurant, I started taking the kids on more outings on my own. It’s a little daunting at times, but I know I can handle it and all because someone noticed my family and thought we were great even when I wasn’t noticing.

Today is Pay It Forward Day. Do you have a Pay it Forward story? If so, please feel free to share it in the comments below.

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What a Difference a Year Makes

Last week my family and I took a vacation to the Poconos to celebrate my birthday a bit early. My birthday is two weeks and one day after Christmas. This, of course, means two things: it often gets lumped in with Christmas and most attempts to actually celebrate fail due to weather. So this year, my husband decided that we were going to go somewhere. As it would happen, we got snowed in for most of it, but it was okay because it gave me some time to reflect on some things and spend some quality time with the baby.

I spent a lot of time just sitting and holding my baby girl and kissing those squishy, chubby cheeks. I am still in awe that I have her. I think we all are. It seems so surreal sometimes that we have these two big kids, and now there is this tiny person in our lives. What a difference a year makes!

Last year around this time, I made a decision that I was done trying for a baby. I just couldn’t take the heartache anymore, and I didn’t want to put the kids through the emotional roller coaster anymore. I just wanted to enjoy what I had. When my husband and I originally decided to expand our family, it was a very thought out process. With his job, I knew it pretty much meant that I was going to be home with the kids, meaning that I was going to cut back on the whole party planning schtick and probably take a step back from what I do online as well. When I decided to have another baby, I told my husband that what I wanted was just to be surrounded by kids. I wanted to enjoy my kids, little and big. When the big ones were grown, I would still have the little ones, and when the little ones would be grown, I would probably have grandchildren by then and could spend my time enjoying them. Somewhere along the way, that dream kinda got muddled with all the heartache and hurt. I wasn’t enjoying the kids I had, and my heart hurt so much that I lost sight of that.

So I decided that I was done and then found out I was pregnant. What’s funny is that one of my close friends did the same. Tonight I sat with the babies and the big kids and marveled at how very different our lives are in just one year and how I have guarded my heart so much that I have taken it for granted the miracles of life that have happened this year. I get the opportunity to be a mommy to three incredible kids and then get to be an adopted aunt to more incredible kids.

I am not one who really likes the holidays, but this Christmas I am so thankful for the gifts that I have been given. Life is not perfect, and the past few chapters of it have not turned out the way I wished. However, tonight when I looked at the little cherubs surrounding me, I am reminded that my cup most certainly runneth over.

My beautiful family

My beautiful family

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Thankfulness

thankfulHave you ever noticed that when you are going through a stressful situation or dealing with your own personal demons that it is hard to see the good things you have going in your life?

Lately, I have been thinking of that because I do have a lot to be thankful for, but I have been too stressed out to see them. So I thought I would take a minute to share them, if nothing else but to remind myself that even in times of stress and heartache, there are still good things.

I am thankful for the basic things, like our home and the opportunity to work from home. I am also, of course, thankful for my family. My family and I are all very grateful to have Sweet Pea, who was born this past August. She has us all captivated, even if she is a bit cranky at times. I am thankful to have a husband who is my best friend, and I love him so much. Sometimes it hurts that he is not with us all the time, but I am thankful for the time we have.

I am thankful for my friends, for the people who have stood by me when things have been tough and have been my rocks when I was at my lowest. I have some truly special people in my life.

However, most of all, I don’t think I could have made it the past year or so without my kids and godchildren. My kids, who drive me nuts on a daily basis, have beautiful souls. They are both giving and kind. I am so proud of them, and they are truly a gift. They make me laugh. They make me want to pull my hair out, and they make me feel so alive. My godchildren are a gift as well. My goddaughter and her friendship with my daughter is what got me out of the house last year when I just wanted to hide, and it was all because she lived two doors down and made it impossible to hide from her. My godson has been a source of healing. His smile can make all that hurts go away. I am very lucky to have all these little people in my life!

I think it’s important to take a moment now and then to stop and think about what we have and not let the hard times in our life cloud our vision from seeing them. What are you thankful for? Please feel free to share in the comments below or connect with me on Facebook to share!

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Adoration

bubbybiankaWhen my son found out I was pregnant this time, he was very hesitant. He didn’t want to get too attached to the baby growing inside me for fear he would be hurt. I was afraid he would not bond with her after she was born, but when I look at the two of them together, it is clear that he adores his baby sister. He talks to her, snuggles her, and does goofy things just to get a grin, and she adores him. There is this smile she makes. It’s as if her whole face lights up, and sometimes when she looks at her brother, she makes that face. It is just for him.

It doesn’t matter that they have eleven years between them. I can already tell that they are going to be great pals!

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Thankful

I have been trying to keep up with a daily thankful list on my Facebook page this month. Try is the operative word because sometimes I am too tired or forgetful to post. It has been lonely tonight. I had hoped that my husband was going to be home for Thanksgiving, but it looks like another holiday without him. I miss him. The kids do too, but I am thankful for his sacrifice, his time away from me and the kids to do his job. I am thankful that I married the man I did. He is more of an introvert. Communication is sometimes lacking, but he adores me. I can see how much he loves me in his eyes, in the way he rubs my neck because it always hurts, in the way he drives home for an overnight sometimes just because he could tell by talking to me on the phone that I have had a rough day. I love how he thinks I am beautiful, even when I can’t always see it when I look in the mirror. I love that he is okay that I am a tomboy. I love that he lets me sleep in when he comes home and the laughter he gets the kids to make that wakes me from my slumber. I love that he is a good father and that he tries to be a parent even when he is gone. Most of all, I love the way he hugs me and holds me tight, makes me think I am the most precious thing to him.

My three goofballs

My three goofballs

I am thankful I found him. I am thankful for the two beautiful kids he helped create. What are you thankful for?

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