When it’s unfair…

Three years ago, around this time, I mourned the fact that my due date had passed from my first baby I had lost. A month before that, I lost my second pregnancy. Somewhere around that time three years ago, I briefly lost my mind too. I actually got to a point that I no longer wanted to be here because the pain in my heart was too great for me to bear. I eventually got through, and I started to live a bit more after that. However, when my missed due date had come and gone and a friend who had the same due date and a sister-in-law who also had the same due date had their babies, I couldn’t help but feel that it was all a little unfair because the babies I carried for a time in my womb would never be in this world for me to enjoy. It wasn’t like I wished ill of my friend or my sister-in-law, it was more of a twinge of jealousy in seeing them with their bundles of joy. All the dreams I had for my babies would never come to pass. The hardest thing about life sometimes is that it is extremely unfair.

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The theme of unfairness came into my life again after Miss Crankles was born. By the time she was two months old, I had postpartum depression. It, and lack of sleep, robbed me of the joy I should have felt when she was so little. It is one of the big reasons that I have decided to continue with extended breastfeeding. It helped me gain back the bonding time I felt I lacked from being distant when PPD was at its worst. I couldn’t help but feel at the time that someone in the universe was laughing at me because it seemed like a cruel joke. I finally got what I wanted, but my body and hormones were seriously out of whack making me not be able to enjoy the little person that I almost lost my sanity trying to get.

When you are struggling with fertility, whether it is your for your first child or in my case third, life can seem very unfair. It is not like you hate the friend whose husband just has to look at them to get pregnant, but you wonder why that can’t happen to you. I used to think that I must be severely flawed. Maybe I was not a good enough mom, and so God didn’t want me to be in charge of another human being. I know it is rubbish since the news is full of stories of people being completely awful excuses for human beings, and those people have babies. However, sometimes, it is easy to go into that dark place and think the fault must lie within you because you feel you need some sort of an explanation. Not to mention, sometimes people are assholes and tell you things like this because it makes them feel better about themselves. Whatever the reason you think negative like this, know it is not your fault. Life is just shitty sometimes.

In my story, I did get my baby in the end, and now we are a family of five. However, if we try again, I don’t know if we would have a happy ending this time. Some people never do. I wish I could be full of inspiration and say, “Keep going Tiger! You will get there.” I feel like the biggest Debbie Downer to say that you might not. Life is never as easy as they make it sound in the story books. Then of course, there are those who say that God has a plan. I really hate that line, like I loathe it. Saying that God has a plan does not make the pain of loss or trying and not having a baby any better. Also, saying that really does not make God sound like a good being. Please people of Earth stop saying this. Period. Remove it from things that come out of your mouth.

I have a friend who has been trying for a long time to have a baby, and it just is not happening. The more I think about it, the more that I just wish I could punch something for her. She is this beautiful soul, the kind that takes you and holds you and tries to make the world less ugly for you when you need it the most. I know that part for a fact because she has done that for me so much in the past. If there is one person deserving beyond a shadow of a doubt to be a mother, it is she. Thinking of my own experiences, I wish there was something I could say to make it any better, and I can’t. So I am not gonna try, and I am not going to try with any of my readers to sugar coat it for you. It sucks. If you want to be angry about it, you can. If you just want to move on, you can. If you find yourself sitting in a park wishfully thinking you had a munchkin running around the play area with the rest of the kids, you can. The only thing I will say is to take care of yourself and to be gentle with yourself. Don’t blame yourself for it is not your fault. Stay busy. Stay active. If you fall apart, carefully put yourself back together again. Infertility and secondary infertility are hard pills to swallow.

My biggest way of coping the last few years from everything that has happened… secondary infertility, multiple loss, pregnancy, ppd, and moving has been writing. I don’t always share everything I write, but sometimes just getting my thoughts on paper helps me to organize my life better. Walking has also been therapeutic too.

You may be wondering why I have even bothered to write any of this since it seems pretty gloom and doom. I write this for one reason, and one reason only: Three years ago, I almost gave up. Do you know what that means? I not only wanted to give up and end it all for myself, but I wanted to not exist for my other two kids and husband who love me very much. I love them too, but the pain was so great. I felt like I was consumed by it. I share all of this because yes, life is unfair, but I don’t want anyone to be consumed by its unfairness like I did. Talk to someone, vent, punch a punching bag, find a hobby…anything just to get focus back. It won’t give you what you want at the time, but it will help you get through the day.

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to comment below or you can always send me a message. I do respond! Take care and remember to be gentle to yourself!

 

 

Why I chose to write about my losses

be0033d62f02445292a72765e0379c88  One question I have been asked is why I talk about my miscarriages or write about them at all. Sometimes it is therapeutic, but mostly it has a lot to do with the fact that people don’t talk about it. It’s almost like we are supposed to keep quiet about it, pretend it didn’t happen. When I lost my first baby, I felt so lost. I had friends that tried to help, but I had no idea how to move forward. I had people say some really horrible things to me like how it wasn’t a real baby or that I must have done something wrong. The baby was real to me. The hopes and dreams I had for my baby were real. My baby existed, even if it was for a brief moment in time.

I have lost two pregnancies. I have been on my journey to baby for two years, and now it looks like we have a rainbow baby on the way, but I am still afraid.  I have been writing so that others who are on a journey like mine know that they aren’t alone. I want them to know that it is okay to grieve. It is okay to give your baby a name. It is okay to be joyful when you get your rainbow baby, and it is okay to still feel sad sometimes for the one(s) you have lost. It is okay if you sometimes wonder what that baby would look like or what that baby would be doing now. It is okay to move forward. It is okay to sometimes fall back. We all deal with our losses in different ways. Some days are better than others.

I will admit that this week hasn’t been easy. Today marks a year since I lost my second baby. We named that baby Faith. We named the baby Faith because I was afraid I was losing my faith…my faith in God, my faith in life, my faith in myself, and my faith in everything. I will also admit that I ended up in a very dark place after my second loss. I felt so empty inside. I have two other children and a husband that loves me. However, I felt so alone. I didn’t know who I could talk to. I didn’t want to say too much to most of my friends for fear they wouldn’t understand. I lost so many friends by that point already. I am in a better place now than last year at this time. However, there are times when I still grieve. I have a godson who is about the age of the baby I lost last June, and sometimes I wonder if that baby would be like him. I look forward to the day I meet the baby growing inside of me. I am excited. I rejoice in every kick. However, I don’t think the fear will ever completely go away until I am holding her in my arms.

If you have been through pregnancy loss, I want you to know it is okay to feel however you feel, and while society may not be on board, it doesn’t matter. You matter, your baby mattered, your grief matters.

As always, feel free to comment below.

Why I won’t be shopping the maternity store

broken heart Yesterday I got the mail, and there was a catalog for planning a child’s first birthday. While I still think about the babies that I will not be able to hold in my arms, I have gotten to the point in this pregnancy where I am really starting to finally bond with the baby I am carrying and actually starting to think about the future. However, yesterday made me think about the first baby I lost at the end of the first trimester. That baby would have been one in July. What sucks is that thanks to a certain major maternity store chain, my address seems to be forever on all sorts of mailing lists, and sometimes it just triggers emotion.

You see, when I was pregnant with the first baby I lost, I went to that maternity store two months into the pregnancy in need of some bras. What I didn’t know was that I was going to be put on a list that would be sold to countless companies. What has made it worse is that for every company’s list I get removed from, I seem to have more in its place. Shortly after my first loss, I tried to be removed from email lists and mailing lists. For a while it seemed to have worked. However, right around the time of my missed due date, which was also shortly after when I lost my second pregnancy, I got a “Welcome Baby” package from a formula company. Then the formula coupons started coming in. Then the birth announcement coupons came pouring in. I was constantly barraged with mail reminding me of what I was not going to have to the point that I just stopped looking at the mail for a while.

It finally subsided after some months, only to return yesterday with a stupid catalog to remind me that in a few short months, I would have had a baby turning one. I am starting to get excited for the baby growing inside me, and I love feeling her kicks and hiccups. I am counting down the days until I meet her. However, it still hurts, and it sucks that I cannot seem to escape the junk mail brought on by my visit to the maternity store.

My goal now is to never give that store any of my business ever again. I think I would rather be naked at this point than to support a business that sells its information when this could happen to someone else who loses a pregnancy.

If any of you have experienced something similar, I would love to hear about it in the comments below.

My Dearest Luk,

I thought today would be different. A year after you have gone to heaven, I thought perhaps I would be pregnant or have a baby now. Right now, I will admit that the hope for that is low. However, I wanted you to know that we miss you. We think about you often, what you would be doing now, had God not called you home. We had hopes for you, and while our time with you was only in my womb, you are still in hearts.

Lukasz

We lit a candle for you and said a prayer. Our lives have changed so much this past year, and we talked about the hurt and trials we have been through this year. We also made a decision tonight to do something in memory of you. We have decided to live and love with our whole hearts. It will not be easy, but I feel if we are ever going to be happy that we must fill our lives with love…love for ourselves, love for others, love to fill the void, love to light the way. We will love each other, and we will always love you.

And we will continue to share so that others may know that it is okay to grieve. It is okay to share feelings. And we will remember you and always love you.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, and Bubby

 

To my readers, if you have experienced loss, please feel free to share your feelings or your own letter to your loved one in the comments below.

 

 

Mending and Processing

I must admit that I still am laying low for now. Honestly, the closer it gets to next month, the more I want to hibernate in my home. I am going to be honest. I am still sad. Somedays I feel broken. I feel awkward talking about my feelings. Almost a year ago, I suffered a miscarriage. In the past year, I have lost another.  In addition, I almost lost my business. I was harassed and terrorized by my next door neighbors, and I am currently on week three without my husband.

I am sure eventually it’s going to be okay, but quite honestly, I feel like I need a break from reality to process the events of the past year. I don’t feel like myself. I find it easier to hide behind my computer and give a persona that everything is fine and dandy when I feel like my world is falling apart.

Sometimes it’s hard to put on a happy face for my kids. It’s even harder when I know they are hurting. My son desperately wants another brother or sister. I don’t know if that’s going to happen. Do you know what an emotional roller coaster it is to try for a baby after miscarriage? It’s downright terrifying. You find yourself looking at the calendar to keep track of your cycle, when you are ovulating, and then you wait. And you know what’s worse? Sometimes your body is a real jerk to you and gives you false hope. You feel that queasy feeling in the morning and think maybe this is the month, until you find out a day or two later that it is not and that your cycle this month is going to be hellish.

I am not a holiday person. I worked retail for so many years that I associate this time of year with greed and ill-behavior. Losing my baby so close to Christmas last year did not help the situation. I had so many dreams for my baby. I have friends that had babies right around the time mine was due, and sometimes I can’t help but think what my baby should be doing now. I feel haunted.

The holidays are supposed to be a happy time, but there are many people out there that are like me. Maybe they lost a loved one. Maybe they feel alone. Maybe they are depressed. If you see someone like this, give them a hug. Invite them for a cup of coffee. You don’t need to act like you know what they are going through, but show some love. It might make all the difference in the world.

As for me, I am going to keep writing. I am going to try to find ways to get through this, and I am going to keep sharing because I want those that have been through what I am going through to know that you aren’t alone. It’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to feel however you feel.

Please feel free to join the discussion in the comments below or on facebook:

www.facebook.com/bearhavenboutique

It's a little blury, but other than a copy of an ultrasound picture, this is my only reminder of the baby I lost. My belly grew very quickly last fall, and I took this picture about just a few days before I lost Luk to remember my pregnant belly. I didn't have the heart to delete the picture.

It’s a little blurry, but other than a copy of an ultrasound picture, this is my only reminder of the baby I lost. My belly grew very quickly last fall, and I took this picture about just a few days before I lost Luk to remember my pregnant belly. I didn’t have the heart to delete the picture.

To Be Normal

If you follow me on Facebook, you would know that I have been attempting to keep up on Social Media the past few weeks. Unfortunately, I haven’t been very successful. To have a business on top of blogging, I really should be keeping up on things. However, the past few weeks have not been that great, and while my intentions have been good, I just haven’t been able to keep up with everything.

I am going to try my best this week to start the new schedule of memes that I have been meaning to do. I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who has stuck with me on my blog, on my social media pages, and as my customers. You all are wonderful.

Physically, I am doing much better. I am not sore anymore, and I am working on getting back to my regular workouts. Mentally, I am still a bit of a mess. My kids have been amazing though. They push me to get out of the house when I would like nothing more to do than hide on the comfy couch. I know it can’t be easy on them, especially with my husband being gone for work. However, last night I told them that I am sorry I am not a lot of fun lately, and that I am going to work on it. I mean it. I need to have some sort of focus right now.

I have a feeling I will be writing more about miscarriage and the aftermath. I am finding that it is sort of a taboo topic. I don’t think it should be. Those of you who have experienced it know it is a loss. Those who haven’t may be at a loss as to what to say. Also, writing my feelings is therapeutic.

Thank you all for kind thoughts and words. It means a lot! I appreciate all of you!

 

 

 

Broken

I had plans originally for a different topic for Mommy Monday. However, a lot has happened here in the past few days that I thought I would share with you all, if nothing else, just to try to make sense of my life right now.

Today, I had planned to tell the whole world what was to be my family’s happy news. I had an ultrasound scheduled for today, and I had visions of seeing this little tiny being in the pictures. I had actually told a lot of my family while I was in Ohio since it seemed like everything was going great. I was somewhere around two months pregnant. I was waking every morning to the feeling that I was going to hurl. I have been tired and forgetful (ok, so I am forgetful a lot) for weeks. Those are all supposed to be good signs of a healthy pregnancy. Only they weren’t.

We are not really sure what happened. I was treated as if it was an ectopic pregnancy. However, there was nothing there when they did the laproscopic surgery. I am lucky I suppose that my ovaries and tubes are still in tact. I want answers though. My midwife mentioned today that it could have been a blighted ovum. I had to have bloodwork. They will let me know if my hormone levels are decreasing. They think that perhaps my levels are not. I passed something on Thursday. We just don’t know what it was. Needless to say, I am once again left with empty hopes and dreams. Only this time, I don’t know if there was ever a real baby inside me. The idea that maybe it didn’t develop into an actual baby is supposed to be comforting, but it isn’t. I just feel confused.

Everything seems surreal right now. I keep thinking I am having some odd dream, and when I wake, everything will be ok, except that hasn’t happened. I am now empty again and now filled with questions. I want some sort of closure. I want the pain to go away. Honestly, I just want a break.

This past year has been full of too many changes and now two missed chances of me being a mommy again.  I feel lost. I feel cheated. I feel broken. I feel very confused. I know life is not fair, and that there is much suffering in the world. I don’t want to have a pity party, but in some ways, I feel like I have been through enough in my life and that I deserve a break. I don’t want much. I don’t have aspirations to be rich or famous. I just want to raise my kids, have one or two more babies, continue falling in love daily with my husband to the point that it makes others ill, and come up with some awesome parties. That’s it. It took a long time to get to that point too. Eleven years ago, I had much bigger plans. I was going to graduate college, get my master’s degree, and then get my doctorate. I was going to live in foreign countries and teach English. I was going to have this amazing career. Then in the blink of an eye, the dream was gone. Tomorrow marks eleven years that my life changed forever when I got hit by a car that made an illegal left turn and wasn’t paying attention. All those dreams were gone. I have struggled over the years to come up with new dreams and aspirations and to not be so angry and bitter. These last few months, I have made a lot of changes, and honestly, I have felt like I turned a corner and made peace with all the hurt and bitterness from everything over the last eleven years. Honestly, I felt that this baby was my new beginning. Only it isn’t, and not only is it not a new beginning, but it may have never actually been a baby.

So right now I am grieving. Whether or not, the baby was a baby or just a bunch of cells, I am mourning the loss of what it represented, of the dreams I had, of the future that will not be. I don’t know if we will try again. I don’t know anything right now. I just know I needed to say all of this, to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening.