Mending and Processing

I must admit that I still am laying low for now. Honestly, the closer it gets to next month, the more I want to hibernate in my home. I am going to be honest. I am still sad. Somedays I feel broken. I feel awkward talking about my feelings. Almost a year ago, I suffered a miscarriage. In the past year, I have lost another.  In addition, I almost lost my business. I was harassed and terrorized by my next door neighbors, and I am currently on week three without my husband.
I am sure eventually it’s going to be okay, but quite honestly, I feel like I need a break from reality to process the events of the past year. I don’t feel like myself. I find it easier to hide behind my computer and give a persona that everything is fine and dandy when I feel like my world is falling apart.
Sometimes it’s hard to put on a happy face for my kids. It’s even harder when I know they are hurting. My son desperately wants another brother or sister. I don’t know if that’s going to happen. Do you know what an emotional roller coaster it is to try for a baby after miscarriage? It’s downright terrifying. You find yourself looking at the calendar to keep track of your cycle, when you are ovulating, and then you wait. And you know what’s worse? Sometimes your body is a real jerk to you and gives you false hope. You feel that queasy feeling in the morning and think maybe this is the month, until you find out a day or two later that it is not and that your cycle this month is going to be hellish.
I am not a holiday person. I worked retail for so many years that I associate this time of year with greed and ill-behavior. Losing my baby so close to Christmas last year did not help the situation. I had so many dreams for my baby. I have friends that had babies right around the time mine was due, and sometimes I can’t help but think what my baby should be doing now. I feel haunted.
The holidays are supposed to be a happy time, but there are many people out there that are like me. Maybe they lost a loved one. Maybe they feel alone. Maybe they are depressed. If you see someone like this, give them a hug. Invite them for a cup of coffee. You don’t need to act like you know what they are going through, but show some love. It might make all the difference in the world.
As for me, I am going to keep writing. I am going to try to find ways to get through this, and I am going to keep sharing because I want those that have been through what I am going through to know that you aren’t alone. It’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to feel however you feel.
Please feel free to join the discussion in the comments below or on facebook:

It's a little blury, but other than a copy of an ultrasound picture, this is my only reminder of the baby I lost. My belly grew very quickly last fall, and I took this picture about just a few days before I lost Luk to remember my pregnant belly. I didn't have the heart to delete the picture.
It’s a little blurry, but other than a copy of an ultrasound picture, this is my only reminder of the baby I lost. My belly grew very quickly last fall, and I took this picture about just a few days before I lost Luk to remember my pregnant belly. I didn’t have the heart to delete the picture.



  1. Elizabeth
    November 26, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    I really hate that feeling, that feeling of what-coulda-been. I hate that feeling of queasy morning and then no baby and that it is just another sick feeling in your stomach, like everything else. It is okay to feel this way. Shame off us.

  2. Brandi Jordan
    November 27, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Much, much love and prayers for you. ((hugs))

  3. kim @ DESIGN + LIFE + KIDS
    November 27, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Your honesty is refreshing. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way, especially when the holidays should be and are a special time of year. And not because of presents, but because it brings family together. It’s an important thing to remember especially since you have sweet kids. You’ve had quite an eventful year, but things will pick up. Have you considered adoption or foster? I know you would like to bring one into your family personally, but those options may just be the best holiday gift you and THEY have ever received. Sending love, hugs and lots of holiday cheer.

  4. Jenny Keeler
    November 27, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    Love you, bhmama! You can come have that cup of coffee anytime you’re in Ottawa!!! You’re a great mom, and what will be will be. You can’t take blame for what God has dealt you. I’m praying for a bit of the joy of the season to come back for you! (and for your hubby to come home soon…)

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