What do I do now?

Today a package arrived with the mail. With it being close to Christmas, my kids were all excited it was for them. It wasn’t. It was the maternity clothes I ordered a while back. It was if they came today to taunt me. I was doing so well this morning.
My son eagerly grabbed the package. He wanted to see what was in the package. I asked him to stop. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want the reminder. I actually tried to cancel the order, but the company never replied to my messages. Now I have this package to remind me what was not going to be.
I lost my baby last week. I was at the end of my first trimester. I was so happy. Now I am so empty. I never thought something could ever hurt as bad.
I am trying to cope. I try not to cry too much in front of my kids. I know they are hurting too, my son especially. He was so happy when he found out that I was pregnant that he cried happy tears for over a half an hour. My daughter is just beginning to understand that Mommy isn’t going to have a baby now. My husband is stuck in Canada. He won’t be home until the weekend. I just want to crawl into my bed right now and not come out until after the holidays. I just don’t understand why.
Yes, I have been working to get things ready at my shop, but I slowed down. I have been eating well, taking my vitamins, taking care of myself. I was talking the other day how I planned on cutting my hours at the shop because I wanted to concentrate on the kids and the new life that was in me. This was going to be the pregnancy that I would be able to remember. Yeah, I will remember it all right, because it is the one where I lost the baby right before Christmas.
And I am angry. I am sad. I hurt so bad that I wonder if there will ever be a day that I don’t feel the emptiness inside. I just don’t understand why.
The one thing I will say is that I don’t think I ever realized how much I am loved, how much my friends and family cared about me until this all happened. The outpour of love and support has been amazing. My friends have taken my kids to give me space. They have come to comfort me. They have even come to bring me comfort food. I am so thankful for the support I have.
So what do I do now? I don’t know. I will continue day by day. I am having some of my friends take over duties at the shop as well as the blog and my other social media. I will try to heal. I don’t know if we are going to try again. Part of me wants to try. Part of me is afraid of going through this again. I miss my sweet angel that I will never get to hold. I wish I could change this. I wish I could go back in time and make this never happen. I can’t. I may never understand why this happen.
My goal right now is to try to get through the holiday season and try to make sure the kids have a good Christmas. Christmas time has never been my favorite time of year, but I was actually excited this year. I was imagining that this time next year I was going to have a little one on the cusp of crawling.
To those of you who have experienced loss. I am sorry for your pain. How did you cope? Feel free to discuss in the comments.

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  1. ecoincognito
    December 17, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    So sorry for your loss. I hope that you find support from your loved ones and that the spirit of the season lifts you up.

    • bearhaven
      December 21, 2012 at 12:15 am

      Thank you for your kind words.

  2. Heather M
    December 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. It’s dark. It’s ugly and it feels hopeless. I can tell you, 6.5 years later there is still an empty spot but the pain dulls. Sometimes it comes back sharp and horrible but the times are fewer between. It’s part of healing. This is to give you hope. How did I cope? I found a Loss board online and just poured my heart out with other women who were in my shoes. I have some friends still from those dark days. I hate how we met but they are women who I trust. They know my deepest pain. How to cope – every day is a roller coaster. You will have up days and you will have down days. You hang on for the ride and cling to what you believe in. You hug your babies and you put one foot in front of the other. Most of all, don’t stop life. Drown yourself in it. Stay busy. We bought a special box and decorated it. I use to write a letter every angelversary. I didn’t this year. I just couldn’t take myself there this year. I probably will on the day I was scheduled to have a c-section, my husband’s birthday (WHAT DR SCHEDULES AT 6 WEEKS PREGNANT!!!)
    You will have good days, you will have bad days, Embrace the happy and the sad and live in those moments. They are all part of the healing.
    If you ever want to chat feel free to email me.

    • bearhaven
      December 21, 2012 at 12:16 am

      We have named the baby and decided to have a balloon release when my husband gets home. My friends are keeping me busy too which does help.

  3. Sarah Fsher
    December 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Dear Lisa,
    I understand how you are feeling right now, I lost my first pregnancy a few years before I had Holly I was 12 weeks or so along and went for the first ultrasound all excited to see my first baby. But then soon after the ultrasound was started they turned the screen and got the doctor and they told me there was no heartbeat. I was devestated I didnt know how to react I thought that this baby may have been my only chance to have a baby and now he or she was gone. No words make things better and dont let anyone make you feel like it realy wasnt a baby yet because he or she was living inside you and is your baby. I guess the only thing that helped me with it is that I thought that since he or she didnt make it that he or she wasnt strong enough and something was wrong with him or her and God knew that if he or she survived they would have been sick or disabled insome way that would of made their and our lives very saddend all time and difficult in some way,so I looked at it as it was better for my baby to be with God than live here with me in pain or in a terrble state of life there was somethng truly wrong with him or her. God knows best and only he knows what his plan is for us and why things had to be the way they happened. If I would of had the first baby and something was wrong I may not of had my beautiful Daughter who is happy and healthy or my new son. If something was wrong and your baby needed alot of care and constant help maybe it would of affected your two beautiful children now ad have madethings very difficult for you and your family, trust me God knows what he is doing and you baby is a beautiful angel and you will meet and hold him or her one day when it is time. I know you want him or her now and I am so sorry you cant. Hold your two little ones a little tighter tonight and know God has a plan in place. Also know that it was nothing you did wrong it just happened dont blame yourself and please dont be mad at God, you have a little angel up there watching their momma and brother and sister and daddy The angels will take care of you baby. My mom once told me that she likes to think that all the angels that never got to have a baby or who lost their babies get the job of taking care of all the babies sent to heaven. I dont know it made me smile to know an angel got her baby to care for for me for now. Give yourself time to heal you dont have to be strong, cry on a friends shoulder let people know how you feel and what you need. I also was told once when I lost my first that it was like it was an angel visiting my body seeing how things are and how to prepare for the nxt baby or things in my life seeing what I was ready for and then the angel just left my body to go report back to God he or she was my little angel visitor for a little. 🙂 Again I am so sorry for your loss and I hope this helped a little and if not I am sorry was not meant to offend or sadden you more. Please know I am your friend and you can cry on my shoulder if you want it 🙂 God bless you an your little angel!!! Love Sarah

    • bearhaven
      December 21, 2012 at 12:17 am

      Sarah, I am sorry I did not get to talk to you more the other day. Thank you so much. You are a good friend.

  4. Nichole
    December 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Sorry for you loss. Too many of us have been there. Best wishes to you during this time of emotional and physical recovery.

  5. Gina B
    December 17, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    I have been there – twice, but the first time I didn’t even know I was pregnant til it was too late. The last time..that was an exercise in agony. I gave myself time to rage, and time to mourn, and ask why. I remember that was exactly the time that a famous Christian singer had lost a child of his, and made it very weird. My husband and I took solace in each other, and discussed adopting, and I went to my knees and the bible for comfort. We never did adopt but it gave us a kind of hope. Eventually, we embraced our family as it is, and take joy in what we have now. That was the right course for us, yours may be different. As you look for answers, allow yourself time to grieve. It’s important. peace to you

  6. Dresden (@DresdenPlaid)
    December 17, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I am so sorry to read about your loss. I also experienced a late 1st trimester loss last week. It was a total shock and I will never be the same. I am in awe of how unbitter you sound. I am in a very angry and depressed place – it is not good.
    Just know that you are not alone – and sadly so many know how shitty this is. And UGH!!! At the holidays!!! It’s awful. Please let me know if you ever want to talk.

    • bearhaven
      December 21, 2012 at 12:20 am

      Thank you. Writing this helped a bit. I am trying not to be bitter. With everything that has happened in my life, one thing I have learned is that I can’t stay bitter anymore. It puts me in a dark place.
      Right now my focus is to get through until my husband gets home. I am trying to be strong because my son is taking this so hard, and I am afraid that he will see me cry.

  7. Melinda@LookWhatMomFound...andDadtoo
    December 17, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    it’s a loss that can’t be described. Mine has been almost 10 years but I still remember the pain. I’m so so sorry for your loss and hope peace comes to you and your family soon.

    • bearhaven
      December 21, 2012 at 12:20 am

      Thank you

  8. The Wedding Queen
    December 17, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    I too lost a child, my 2nd, she just stopped moving, on Mother’s Day. The Doctor didn’t want to induce labor so I carried my child for another month plus, nearly two. I was nearly at my due date when I finally snapped at the doctor and told him induce labor or I’d find someone who would. Now of course they don’t wait. (Let’s just say it was not ‘the good old days’ in this instance.) By the time I delivered my stillborn baby I’d cried all my tears, or at least most of them. Until I had to go to my sister’s baby shower a month later. She lived several states away so none of her friends knew me or knew of my loss. So people asked questions, not meaning to be unkind, but still, they cut. I just wanted to retreat to the kitchen and cry. But fortunately, or unfortunately, I grew up in a family that ‘toughs it out.’ I still miss my baby, but never more so than each year on Mother’s Day. It has so much more meaning for me than many mothers. It is a day to celebrate as well as a day to grieve. Loss is never easy. We all get through it in our own ways. Some of us talk it out, some of us join support groups w/strangers, others rely on their friends and family. Others just on themselves. Hugs to all of you who have suffered the loss of a child. No matter how far along you are it is still devastating. No matter how we rationalize it is or the best, it still hurts. You will get through it, sooner or later. One way or another. In whatever is the best way for you. It is so hard when random things like a delivary make it harder.

  9. bearhaven
    December 21, 2012 at 12:22 am

    I am sorry for those of you who have lost babies too. I never realized how many people this touches, and I didn’t realize that this is not discussed a lot. Thank you everyone for your kind words. It means a lot.

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