life and other things

Someday it will be ok…

…but that someday is just not today. I haven’t posted in a while about the miscarriage and everything. I threw myself into the holiday and my husband being home. I have been trying to get myself sorted and get back on track with my business and blog. Part of me thought that after a month, I would be feeling a bit better about everything, but truthfully, it still hurts. I am moody, irritable, and not a lot of fun right now. I find myself making excuses not to do things. Part of me doesn’t really want to talk to people. I know my friends love me, but I don’t want to be the Debbie Downer. Instead, I just hide away instead.

We still haven’t decided if we are going to try again. Apparently, the first six months after a miscarriage are the most fertile. However, my husband has been gone since the beginning of January, and even though he is coming home for a week or two this weekend, he will be heading back up north for goodness knows how long. It’s not the best situation for family planning. Not only that, part of me is afraid that this would happen again, and let’s face it, I have been a hot mess for a while now. I am not sure I could handle this.

I don’t blame myself anymore. My doctor has been quite reassuring. They sent the fetus for testing. It was a chromosomal abnormality. However, I still find myself wishing that I could turn back time and change everything. I want to plead with God that I needed Luk, and that he shouldn’t have taken him away from me. And when I am alone, after the kids are in bed, I still find myself sobbing by the end of the night or quietly raging in my room. I don’t know if it is normal, and right now, I just don’t care. I hurt, and I want it to stop. I wanted Luk so badly, and I will never be able to hold him or have him with me. And I wish the pain would go away. I wish for my happiness back, but right now I am still grieving. And I feel so lost.

I don’t know what’s normal. I don’t know if this is how I am supposed to feel or when it will stop hurting so much. For now, I am taking it little by little. If you have gone through a miscarriage, I would love to hear your thoughts.

7 replies »

  1. Wow, thank you for sharing such a personal story-although I have not gone through this, the pain of not having children (i’m a little past the “age”) wears on me often. I will pray for healing for you-hang in there!

  2. Someday it *will* be OK. Trust me on that – after surviving a brush with cervical cancer followed by 4 miscarriages before Princess Nagger finally made her miraculous appearance, I’m here to tell you it WILL get better. You are reacting completely normally, you will go through all the stages of grief, but it will get better. Your world will seem upside down for a while, but it will right itself and the pain will lessen. Just take it one step at a time, one day at a time – and allow yourself to feel all the ranges of emotion – don’t stifle them, because they are necessary for healing. I’ll definitely be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGZ!!))

  3. Writing will definitely help. So keep writing. Even if you don’t post it here, write for yourself. Thanks for sharing your story, that’s very brave and who knows who you will help that will come across this post who might be feeling very similar.

  4. Everything you are feeling is normal – not that there is a right or wrong way to grieve. I went through the same feelings after each of my miscarriages. If you ever want to vent, I am usually up way after your children are in bed.

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