On the subject of Grief, Miscarriage, and Fertility

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Losing two pregnancies back to back changed me as a person. I grieved for a really long time. There are some days I still think about what might have been, especially as I know that if I wouldn’t have lost Luk, he would only be a year older than Miss Crankles. Today, I want to talk about how this mother handled her grief and why it is okay to grieve a miscarriage, fertility issues, and even struggles with becoming a parent.

 

Miscarriage

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I suffered two miscarriages before having Miss Crankles. Honestly, at the time, I don’t think I ever felt more broken in my life. That says a lot considering how broken I have felt dealing with all of my health issues the past few years too.

I dealt with each miscarriage differently. With my first one, I already felt him move, heard his heartbeat, and started to show. Everyone knew I was pregnant. It devastated me and my family. I will never forget the ugly cries of my son as I held him after telling him the news. It broke me.

I spent the next few months trying to find all ways possible to not leave the house anymore than necessary. I had my helpers cover my shop because I still had the toy store. I wore my pajamas as clothes so much that my kids held an intervention. I felt like there was this hole in my heart that could never be filled.

When I lost my second pregnancy, I had some warning. I was sent to the hospital with that one because they wanted to make sure it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy. The thing that hurt the most was waiting in my room in the maternity ward listening to babies being born and knowing that I wouldn’t have that.

 

How I Dealt With Grief

I grieved for a really long time. I also started doing a few things that helped me focus on other things during the process.

One of those things was pin up. As some of you know, I write another blog that has morphed into a plus size fashion blog, but it essentially all started with pin up. I got into the pin up culture, fashion, make up…all of it! In fact, I now own a pin up business because of my love for it!

Also, I binged a lot of Netflix. More specifically, I watched pretty much every Doctor Who episode I could get my hands on. I loved it as a kid, and I started watching the reboot. Then I got busy. While I can honestly say the emotional roller coaster that comes with being a Whovian may sound strange for someone mending her broken heart, it did help. In fact, I told someone today that Doctor Who really helped me heal.

The other thing I did was write. I told my story. I told it to help myself and told it to help others know they aren’t alone. Miscarriage, secondary infertility, pregnancy loss…they are all still not the most socially acceptable topics.

Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

How To Deal With Your Grief

If I could go back in time and tell Past Me anything, it would be that grief has no normalcy. All grief looks different. Some people suffer hardships and can put on a smiling face.  While others show it on their sleeves. We all deal with grief differently, and that is okay.

Also, there is no timeline on how long you should grieve. Process it. Deal with those emotions. Our emotions are not meant to be put in a box. Honestly, you can’t heal until you process them.

If people tell you to just get over it, ignore them. I have learned that most people have no idea what to say when someone is grieving. A good friend told me, “This sucks” is an acceptable thing to tell someone who is grieving. It is true. Cliche is never the way.

Final Thoughts

Infertility, secondary infertility, miscarriage, loss…it all sucks. There, I said it. I thought losing my two pregnancies was going to break me. It almost did actually. However, if there is anything I can say after going through all of it is that it is okay to grieve. There is no road map for it, and you can grieve as long as you need to grieve. I wish that we could normalize it a bit more, so that is why I am sharing this today.

As always, you can share your story in the comments and be sure to click the social media icons on my blog to join the parenting discussions with me on social media!

 

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2 Comments

  1. Natalie
    September 17, 2019 at 11:51 am

    My mom lost two babies before she had me so I can totally understand how difficult it is!

  2. Debbie P
    September 18, 2019 at 2:44 am

    I know how hard it can be. If you can talk to someone it can really help.

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