Someday it will be ok…
…but that someday is just not today. I haven’t posted in a while about the miscarriage and everything. I threw myself into the holiday and my husband being home. I have been trying to get myself sorted and get back on track with my business and blog. Part of me thought that after a month, I would be feeling a bit better about everything, but truthfully, it still hurts. I am moody, irritable, and not a lot of fun right now. I find myself making excuses not to do things. Part of me doesn’t really want to talk to people. I know my friends love me, but I don’t want to be the Debbie Downer. Instead, I just hide away instead.
We still haven’t decided if we are going to try again. Apparently, the first six months after a miscarriage are the most fertile. However, my husband has been gone since the beginning of January, and even though he is coming home for a week or two this weekend, he will be heading back up north for goodness knows how long. It’s not the best situation for family planning. Not only that, part of me is afraid that this would happen again, and let’s face it, I have been a hot mess for a while now. I am not sure I could handle this.
I don’t blame myself anymore. My doctor has been quite reassuring. They sent the fetus for testing. It was a chromosomal abnormality. However, I still find myself wishing that I could turn back time and change everything. I want to plead with God that I needed Luk, and that he shouldn’t have taken him away from me. And when I am alone, after the kids are in bed, I still find myself sobbing by the end of the night or quietly raging in my room. I don’t know if it is normal, and right now, I just don’t care. I hurt, and I want it to stop. I wanted Luk so badly, and I will never be able to hold him or have him with me. And I wish the pain would go away. I wish for my happiness back, but right now I am still grieving. And I feel so lost.
I don’t know what’s normal. I don’t know if this is how I am supposed to feel or when it will stop hurting so much. For now, I am taking it little by little. If you have gone through a miscarriage, I would love to hear your thoughts.