TW: Religious Trauma and Miscarriage/pregnancy loss. For those of you following me for a long time, you know I had multiple pregnancy losses. The hardest for me to process involved losing a pregnancy early in my second trimester. That baby would be 10 this summer. I felt him move. I heard his heartbeat, and at the end, I held him in the palm of my hand. Over the years, I shared about my experiences for those struggling to conceive and those with secondary infertility. However, one aspect I avoided is one I feel deserves to be told, and that is how my religious trauma interfered with my ability to process my grief after my miscarriage.
The baggage religious trauma brings
For a long time, I have wanted to approach the subject of religious trauma and avoided it because I didn’t want to cause hurt feelings. I grew up in an extremely conservative church. By the time I was in third grade, I honestly thought the anti-christ was coming because our youth pastor used to talk about it in great detail in chapel time before school. (I went to school there for a few years as well.) Granted as I got older, I started to question things a bit more. By the time I was a senior in high school, I felt myself pull away from the church. By the time I went to college, I stopped being involved there completely.
I experienced a lot of guilt not going. Most of that was because there were people I genuinely loved who attended there. However, I also realized that some of the things I had been taught left me feeling anxious…like I was going to hell no matter what. Growing up there, I felt we were constantly being taught that no matter what we were doing, we were somehow sinning. Also, any time I asked questions about the Bible or theology, I was told not to question things. After switching denominations in my early 20s, I began to deal with how this affected me in my day-to-day living.
I used to think if something bad happened, it was because I was being punished by God. As you can imagine, this thought plagued me after my first loss in a major way.
How Religious Trauma haunted me after loss
This past winter when the anniversary of my first loss came, I felt I finally moved forward. It marked ten years since that heartbreaking night. Then as the second loss’ anniversary came this month and the realization that my baby I lost in the second trimester would have been turning 10 soon, I sank into a bit of a depression.
The way I lost my first baby absolutely gutted me. (The shortened version of that can be found here.) While I eventually found coping skills in my obsession with Doctor Who and also pin-up, I still had times where I played the “what if” game. My “what ifs” almost always evolved into questions about whether or not I was faithful enough. Because of some of the harmful views embedded in my head from an early age, I sometimes thought I had not been good enough. I often had thoughts that God punished me by taking him (and the others I miscarried) away from me as a punishment.
In fact, these thoughts came back after having my TBI relapse and subsequent health issues after having my 3rd child. I felt God punished me by having to deal with all of it. For a while, I even turned my back on God altogether. I couldn’t understand why I would be punished when I really tried to be a good Christian. It took a long time for me to make peace with God. God was not punishing me by taking my babies. He wasn’t punishing me by going through health issues either.
However, a toxic version of Christianity and my baggage of religious trauma gave me a very warped sense of religion.
Moving Forward
This month, as my thoughts drifted that way once again, I stopped myself from going there. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. However, when something bad happens, it doesn’t mean we are being punished by God. Knowing that in my soul has helped me in that aspect of grief.
I probably will always carry some grief with me over my losses, mostly my first one because of how traumatic it was. I will always feel there is someone missing from our family. However, letting go of the burden of feeling it was my fault because I deserved it…well, I am ready to let go of that. Telling my story is freeing. Hopefully, it will help someone else as well.
This has been one of the hardest stories to share. I want to get back to sharing more of my stories, and this seemed a good place to start.
I hope that my message reaches whoever needs to hear it. As always, if you want more raw stories from me and my crew, come join us over on Instagram and check us in stories!
You are brave to share your journey with others. I know your story will touch many hearts.
I too suffered multiple losses and felt many of the same things you do. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure there are many more of us out there who feel the same.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with your readers.
Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share your experience.
I can relate in I’ve often been made to feel ‘less than’ in religious settings for things out of my control. I, too, have felt that feeling of being punished for something I did… As much as religion is an important aspect of my life, I’ve had to step back as it has also been detrimental to my wellbeing at times.
I am sorry for the grief and trauma you have endured. Losing a child is never easy and I am sorry you thought it was because you weren’t good enough. Unfortunately, sometimes bad things happen to good people. I am glad that you are able to start moving forward. The grief may still be there, but I certainly hope the guilt is no longer there.
I’ve had five losses. The last one eight years ago, I lost twins on my birthday. To this day, it’s still hard to deal with.
I had no idea I had cancer at the time and wasn’t diagnosed until two years later.
sending love.